"I'm going to pray that God is a woman"

This line, from HBO's "Iron Jawed Angels", (possibly one of my favorite films of all time), often resonates with me.  In the context of the film, a modernized yet historical account of the women's suffrage movement, the character Lucy Burns says this to Alice Paul in hopes that if this were true, women would get the right to vote.

However, this line does not come to mind for me in regards to women's suffrage, but rather on a much more personal level in my own exploration of who I worship and to whom it is I pray.  In my own journey towards spirituality and knowing God, I am striving to know the nature of the God that I worship.

Joseph Smith said, "It is the first principle of the Gospel to know for a certainty the Character of God."  If this is indeed the 1st...not 2nd, not figure it out at some point, but indeed FIRST principle of the Gospel to which I belong, then for me this is the most fundamental thing I can learn.  Yet while it is fundamental, it is one of the most difficult journeys for me to undertake to date.

This concept intersects particularly with feminism for me as I explore the nature of who I am as well as a woman.  How does God view me as a woman?  As his daughter?  What does God want for his daughters?  If God is a man, how was I indeed created in his image?  How can God know the female experience?

I do not know the answers yet to these questions.  Therefore, the most important thing I am learning is that the nature and character of God is much more complex than I previously realized.  I think learning this first basic principle is a lifelong process.  As I strive to understand God's nature, I can begin to build a relationship with God based on who I know Him to be.  Most importantly, and the marked change I am beginning to let transform me, is that I am beginning to feel comfortable recognizing that this Higher Power, while it is the only constant in my life, is a lot more fluid than I previously have given room to accept.  I am just now learning to sit with, and be comfortable with the fact that, as Nephi, I do not know the meaning of all things.  But I want to.  Which I think is a great starting point for me in struggling with my relationship with my Maker.

What's Sexy Now?

I have never been a fan of Victoria Secret, or the image they promote of what "sexy" is. 

Too many women are striving for an "ideal" that is unattainable.  And despite the fact the magazine Glamour in recent years have committed to showing more "real" women in their magazine, I, as a subscriber have yet to see this come to fruition on their pages.

While I typically choose to turn a blind-eye to the Victoria Secret ads, I couldn't help but feel shocked to see the recent models and the bold words that state, "What's Sexy Now" superimposed on these images.

The message sent here is clear.  What's "sexy" now is blonde, anorexic, tan, White.

However, Lane Bryant's recent campaign, "Sexy is not a Size", which received a lot of media attention, portrays the bodies of "real" women, which in my opinion, is infinitely more sexy.

Feminism to me is to reject size-ism, and all that it encourages women everywhere to reach for:  an unhealthy striving toward an unattainable fantasy.  Feminism to me is that a woman deserves to love herself for who she is, and to ban the self-loathing, the guilt, and shame that the media and society has imposed upon women for simply being human.

Loving yourself, and every curve, or quote "imperfection" that defines you for who are you?  That's sexy.

Honing My Domestic Skills

So this post doesn't exactly hold to my commitment to explore feminist ideology and Mormon ideology and all of that deep stuff, but bear with me.

I often peruse the blog http://www.mormonfeministhousewives.org/, and a woman there posed the question (or something to this effect): "If God wanted to be a mother and a nurturer, etc., why is there not a single domestic-like bone in my body?"

Keeping that question in mind, I went to put my dress on this morning thinking to myself, "I want to look feminine today, none of those awful work pants."  I noticed a seam separating from the zipper, so what did I do to fix it? 

Yep. I stapled it.  Problem solved.

The Journey of Self-Discovery

The search for my identity and my need for self-reflection has always been insatiable. I've always been a deep thinker (albeit with a healthy dose of sarcasm). I feel the neverending need to think, reflect, evaluate, analyze, reframe. (Hmm, that sounds like the job description of a therapist, go figure.)

Paradoxically, I discovered feminism during the course of my studies at BYU.  Reading the history and stories of women bound by oppression, servitude, silence, and that I was participating in this world run by patriarchy was shocking to me.  My continued discovery of social injustice expanded through my education at Columbia (not so paradoxical this time), and it ignited the flame in me to become a social justice advocate.

As I have searched deeper within the stories of these women, including women of my own faith, I found not only heartbreak, but enlightenment, faith, and hope.  These stories resonated with me, and inspired me to begin to tell my own story, and to leave my own legacy.

For me, the search for my identity as a woman is directly correlated to my search for a whole relationship with God.  The reconciliation of my feminist ideology with Mormon ideology is a spiritual journey.  Finding the one-ness I seek with a higher power involves the exploration of what is at the core of me as a woman.  It is a lifelong journey, and one I intend to start to reflect on, using this blog.