Authenticity

I can't ever go too long without writing without feeling like all of the (brilliant) ideas in my mind have no canvas.  It's been a particularly long bout, and while I am fairly transparent with those I interact with in real time, I have an issue with being transparent on my blog, which I am vowing to change.

My latest experiences seem to be my experiment with authenticity.  I had a professor at Columbia who urged me to be authentic in my group interactions, and that the "real" experiences would be the outcome of my choice to be myself.  Those words have stuck with me the last few years as I try to experience my interactions with others as a way to truly be myself and be open to let others in.

I seem to tether between conformity and authenticity, as if this is a dichotomy that cannot exist on the same plane. I would like to believe that I don't have to choose between the two.  Why must I sit in limbo and feel like I have to choose between who I am, and where I've come from?

The Mormon church tends to foster a sense of conformity to the casual observer.  An in crowd vs. an out crowd.  There is an illusion that there are no cafeteria Mormons.  When you feel this sense that you either have to step up or step out, my natural inclination is step out.  But what if my authentic self doesn't want to step out?  What if I want to be authentic to who I am AND be Mormon? Is there a place for me at the table?

So my experiment has been to test this out for myself.  I pierced my ears.  I attend another denomination before attending Mormon services.  I wore a tank top to Mormon church.

The experience has been terrifying and liberating.  Would people judge me for not being like them?  Would the modern day Pharisees tell me to cover my shoulders and to exercise more faith?  I felt internalized judgment, because I've been the judger.  But being who I am has opened me up to less judgment towards others as well, which I think is a more Christian notion than hemlines and earring holes.

But something amazing is happening.  I'm authentic, and so I open up to others more at church.  I introduce myself.  I'm friendly, and welcoming, and extroverted.  Now, if you've known me in a past social situation, you will know that this is remarkable.  And in turn, others are opening up to me.  My leaders are applauding my choice to attend 2 faith services on Sunday.  My peers are supporting my exploration.  My peers are confiding in me their own explorations. And most importantly, I'm delving in to a deeper and stronger relationship with God than I ever previously had when I felt like I was hiding who I am.